Ohio State in College Football Realignment: Future Mid-Tier SEC Program

Well, once again we close the book on future SEC mid-tier Ohio State week here at Off Tackle Empire.

Colonic anyone?

I’m so tired of the fawning. The smug superiority. The new money antics. It gets tiresome.

And that’s just Ryan Day.

I said give me another Fireball!
Photo by Michael Hickey/Getty Images

He looks like a forty-year-old version of that douchey frat boy that puked in the bathroom, felt up the waitress, and tried to fight the bartender when he got cut off after his fifth fireball shot.

They are so Ohio, it’s just ridiculous. The school colors are scarlet and gray, but somehow they come off boring as hell. It’s actually a fitting color scheme for a rust belt city stuck in the worst state in the Union.

The scarlet represents the brick factories, and the gray represents the feeling you get driving through its soulless urban sprawl. It’s depressing…just like Columbus.

It’s a kinda urban setting, without the amenities of a real city.

Strip malls bulge out around the city like love-handles on an over-weight Walmart shopper.

Need to go somewhere on public transit…well you’re fucked.

That great band coming to play in Ohio…will play Cleveland.

On a given weeknight (even before Covid) downtown feels like a haunted theme park.

The food in German Village is okay, as long as you count salt as your favorite spice. And what the fuck do you even call a native? How about currently residing in New Jersey…

But we aren’t just here to bash their fair city…the football team requires our attention.

Am I the only one who counts those stupid stickers on the helmets? They must give them out like participation trophies, for crying out loud. I secretly judge the guys with half a helmet full, because you know they are total brown-nosers.

“Can I hold your clip board coach Day?”

“Sure kid, and here’s a sticker for your helmet…”

Maryland v Ohio State

Give me a break…

Hey, shush for a minute. Do you hear that?

That’s the collective Buckeye Nation screaming: “Yeah but your team…”

That’s the great thing about Friday Hate…the grownups are speaking now.

And we’re still talking about YOUR team.

Lets bask in the fact that these fans have already forgotten the coach Tressel Glory days. Like that time the #1 Buckeyes went into Madison in 2010. Terrelle Pryor was the next Vince Young (guffaw).

Wisconsin beat their asses to the tune of 31-18.

It was as thorough a beat down as this franchise has ever seen. And yet, fast forward to today and the fans are so entitled, they say stupid shit like:

“We shouldn’t even be in the Big Ten, the competition is too low.”

These people IRL:

Yeah, fuck that. A handful of decent years and you forget the lows. (You hear that Illinois? You could someday…maybe…forget the last decade).

Michigan State went to the BCS once too. Now look at ‘em.

To be fair, Coghlin is from Ohio.

But seriously, I’m tired of hearing buckeye fans brag about last year’s Sugar Bowl blowout win over Clemson. As if beating some jumped up ACC school is a thing.

But you never hear them talk about the ass-blasting they received in 2021 at the hands of Alabama. That was a national disgrace.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: JAN 11 CFP National Championship - Alabama v Ohio State

And you have to go back to Columbus, you poor bastard.
Photo by David Rosenblum/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

And let’s not forget, the Big Ten Championship game against Northwestern was a lot closer than anyone thought it would be. Northwestern led at the half…lest we forget.

But four turnovers is too many, Wildcats. You suck.

But I’d like to remind buckeye fans of that run from 2006 to 2013, when they went 2-5 in bowl games. They lost to Florida (twice), LSU, Texas, and Clemson. They beat Arkansas and Oregon. That puts them squarely in the SEC mid-tier.

Hey OSU, with that record, you are South Carolina. Congratulations.

In fact, last year’s win over Clemson was a statistical anomaly. Ohio State lost the last three bowl meetings with the Tigers. So, 1-3…you’re batting 0.250, slugger.

The next argument you’ll hear from a buckeye fan is, “well at least we won a national championship in the last decade…”

And yes, that’s true. But they also had many more shots on goal than anyone else. They are one for their last four tries, back to 2006.

And oh man that 2006 game was so ugly. The #2-ranked Florida Gators ran them out of the stadium and all the way back to Columbus. It was a rout.

Florida Derrick Harvey, 2007 BCS National Championship Game

Troy Smith still has nightmares about Drrick Harvey
SetNumber: X77270 TK1 R5 F24

I was at a party with a bunch of Florida alums. As the defacto Big Ten fan, I was forced to put up $20 on the buckeyes.

I still feel soiled from the experience.

But seriously, it’s that overbearing sense of entitlement that compels me to hate you. And it turned me into a rabid Purdue fan when Rondale Moore ran your ass off in 2018.

And I was an (oh so brief) Iowa fan in 2017, when Nate Stanley and Noah Fant pantsed you at Kinnick.

But nothing felt better than the blocked kick in 2016. When J.T. Barrett looked absolutely feckless in the last two possessions and Penn State beat your asses in Beaver Stadium.

I’m left to wonder whose band wagon seat I’ll be warming this year…if any.

Your schedule is Charmin Soft. You have a stretch consisting of powerhouses Tulsa, Akron, Rutgers, and Maryland. You’ve got to be kidding me.

I’m circling the Indiana game and the Purdue game this year. It would tickle me no end to see either of them dump your ass off your perch.

And while I never, ever root for you buckeyes…if you kick the shit out of Michigan, I’d be pleased.

Your Friend,

Townie.